Thursday, May 2, 2013

Naked Yoga

*Disclaimer:  If you logged onto "Naked Yoga" simply to figure out if it's some sort of new Karma Sutra type  of mind-blowing maneuver to spice up your hanky-panky, you're about to be bitterly disappointed.  However, if you clicked on this because you just want a cheap laugh at an almost-middle-aged woman doing naked yoga, feel free to keep perusing.

    I like yoga.  I like getting caught in the rain, the dunes of the cape can have their own action, but I do have more than half a brain.  I also hate the song "If you like Pina Coladas."  I'm guessing that may not be the name of the song, but I'm already logged into my account at and I really don't want to open another tab to Google the correct name of the song.  Not to mention, I already closed that tab after grabbing images of yoga moves so people who aren't into yoga know what I'm talking about.  But, this paragraph has nothing to do with naked yoga.

   This paragraph DOES have to do with naked yoga.  I love to do yoga in the privacy of my own home because I like to laugh.  It's a known fact that you cannot laugh in a yoga class because you ruin the experience for others.  And, sometimes knock them off balance.  It's happened.  I used to invite friends for a moment of zen at the YMCA until I realized that my under-the-breath comments of where the instructor could stick her downward dog were causing my friends injuries.  Not pretty.

   I have taken up a yoga video that's OnDemand through my local cable company.  The man who does the "class" is named Sven. Not really.  I name him all sorts of names to keep it fresh.  He's super cute and about 20 years old and looks like he can float through the air.  I might also want to mention here that I have done this particular workout so much that I was getting a little bored and knew all of his lines by heart, sort of like watching The Lion King with your kids over and over.  This time, I decided to spice it up.  I striped down to my birthday suit and Chadwick (Yeah, see I already renamed him) and I had a little chat that went something like this:
*Disclaimer # 2:  I will change Chadwick's name several more times, just note that anyone OTHER than me in this story is the workout guy, okay?
Downward dog:   By the way... that's NOT me.  Remember the Google image sentence?  But, we're going to pretend it is and that I'm naked, but not in a leering, creepy way, more of a science class diagram/National Geographic photo pictorial type of way.  Um, I DO NOT have low self-confidence and I happen to really like my body, but for the sake of laughter during yoga, I decided to have a body-image conversation with perfectly chiseled Ashton:

-Me: (Going into downward dog facing AWAY from the TV and looking through my arms)  "Hey, you like that doncha, Blaine?  Hot, sexy c-section belly doing it for ya?"
-Him: " Looking good, keep it up!"
-Me: (Deep breath in and out)  "I'm trying to keep it up, but I can only suck it in sooo much.  Okay, you don't think my butt looks hail-dented?"
-Him: "That's right, nice and smooth!"
-Me: (Doing the cobra)  "This move makes everything jiggle, but I dig it, don't you, Biff?"
-Him: I love this move.
-Me:" I thought so. " (bringing leg up in the air)  "Check out the Peeing Dog move, by the way, I'm married but I have some single friends, are you single Thor?"
-Him: "The best part of yoga is the silence.  Focus on your breathing."
-Me: "Well, you don't have to get huffy! Fine.  I'll be quiet." 
-Him: "That's great!"
-Me: (Workout was almost finished,) "I apologize, can we start over? I realize I may have had an attitude."
-Him: "There's always room for improvement, but you're always perfect the way you are."
-Me: "What kind of hippy pseudo-profound crap is that?"
-Him: "And we're done here."
-Me:  "Yes!  Yes, we ARE done, BLAZE!"

Don't worry, Chaz isn't going anywhere.  He's stuck on channel 500-and-something until a programmer decides to get rid of him.  But here's my wisdom of the day:  exercise can be fun.  Just don't go all naked downward dog in public or you'll be on Morons in the News on the Bob and Sheri Show, and I don't want that on my conscience.  You don't want to be the story in between the guy with the vacuum hose weapon and the guy who calls 911 to get his stash of drugs back.  Unless you're the Statue of David, there's nothing good that can come from public nudity.  Class dismissed. Namaste


  1. Chadwick?! I am disappointed it was the name of the instructor. I would have figured you named "the cat" Chadwick!
    And yes... that was a dirty euphemism!

  2. No, the cat's name is Priscilla. But, I like how you think.